Learning how to lead

I have always been outgoing and involved in sports in my life. I have had no hesitations for trying out or competing and even leading at times but I have no idea how to lead a family in Christ..

Most of my life when it comes to relationships I have been the compromiser, the follower, the peace-keeper. No matter who I dated, I would conform to their likes and be easy to follow. That did not always suit me well though. Most of the times it caused more problems than it helped. I was always at conflict within myself for not following my way. I have a very outspoken husband who is very generous with his love for me and the kids. He is very black and white in his ways and that is hard at times when I want to be gray. I admire homes where the husband is the spiritual leader because frankly, I am used to following and not leading and I am not really comfortable with the idea. I guess God never promised me that life would be comfortable huh?!

So, how do I lead my own family in relationship with Christ? I know that my relationship with Christ is the only one I can control, I can teach my children to love the Lord and pray that they grab hold and take it to heart always but I am not used to being the leader. Maybe it is because I am so new at it and I am not sure exactly of what I am doing. Any advice?

Love

Let's talk about love...Isn't that a Van Halen song?

In study we talked about why God makes love the priority command. Here's what I learned. Love motivates obedience. Tell that to my kids. Or at least my son! I seem to act better when I am motivated by love, when I am filled with love, than when I am empty. Next it motivates perseverance. How true is that?! When we really love, we persevere. We see things through to the end, no matter when that is. I think of the love for my family. I will always fight, defend and protect them. I guess I need to know that is what Jesus thinks about me too! This one is a biggie for me..Love for God empowers love for others! I love that. By seeking God, loving him first He will provide me with all the love I need for everyone else. I always thought I had enough love to go around but at 3am when I am tired and Reagan is crying, Riley had an accident and Olivia is sick, I need all the love I can get! I also find that when I am feeling full of love from God that I am a better wife. I dont' mind as much when my husband leaves a trail of messes behind him (note I said "as much") or if he is late or any other number of things.

Here's where I am identifying True love by the following:

Does God regularly circulate my thoughts? Yes, often.
Am I often drawn to spend time with Him? Yes, often. But doing it is another thing..I know, not so good.
Does my life demonstrate a love for God? I think so..not sure..Um..
Do I often enjoy God? I am learning about God, to know Him is to love him I'm sure.
Do I ultimately find relief or satisfaction in obedience? I have never been known to be obedient but I am working on it. I think I am getting a taste of that with my son!

The best thing I learned is that I can ask God to have the love for Him I want! I kind of thought that I was supposed to have this overwhelming joy just come in my heart and I would be giddy.. (Maybe I watch too many movies or romances) but I realize in my newness to Christ that also since it is His desire for me to love him completely that He will grant it to me. How cool is that?

Oh ya, and I love you too. Study girls will know what I mean.
Does

Do I REALLY love God?

Okay, That may seem like a weird thing to say but during our study last week that statement hit me profoundly. Beth was being her usual Beth self and was talking about how you know when you go to church and you sing songs of worship and the songs say that talk about undying love for God or show me brokenness so I can live fully in Christ.. You know what I mean, singing songs about undying, overwhelming love for Christ when you don't feel it fully..yet. Don't get me wrong, I love what only Jesus can do for me, the gift God has given me in salvation and the gift of the spirit however I am learning to love God, since I don't know him as well as I will. I certainly never want to be one who says things I don't mean, I want to mean what I say, especially when it comes to worshipping my God and creator.

When I think of God's love for me, I am a little hesitant to accept it because it is hard for me at times to accept love, but I realize that it is sinful to not take God at his word, that he loves me more than anything. I can only try to comprehend it by the feelings and deep love I have for my own children. I love them beyond all comprehension and would do anything in the world for them, die for them if I had to. That is how I try to wrap my mind around God's love for me. The more I know God, the more I love him too. I felt relieved to know that it is okay for me to not have that overwhelming, emotional love for God just yet. I know I will, I pray for it, I beg for it. I want it more than anything. And I will get it.

OOPS..

It has been awhile since I wrote last, seems I fell into the pitfall that I was warned about recently during one of Pastor Michael's sermons. You know, you are saved, you feel great, invinsible even and then you start to put off daily time with God. I started to try some new things, sewing and crafting, that I was afraid to try thinking I wasn't good enough to do them. Well, I felt with the strength I gained through Christ that I would have no fear of failure and give it all a try. And...I did it! But in that time, I left out my daily devotion time and even was a little slow on my study time. And believe me, I could tell a difference!

I have a habit that I developed during an extremely stressful time in my life about 15 years ago. I was going through a divorce and was lied to and cheated on. My fear of abandonment that I have had since young childhood (though for no concrete reason) was peaked. I was so devastated at the time that I started pulling my hair! What? That seems so weird I know. I wasn't sure why I did it and it was hard to control. Later I learned that it is an extreme stress response with a really long name..Though I choose not to be a victim to it, it still finds its way back to me. I still do it on and off from 15 years ago. Most people don't know it and you can't really tell but I do know I am doing it. So, don't come and slap my hand like I am not aware of it! lol Anyway, when I made the decision to get baptised I felt so calm and secure. Then for about three weeks I was riding on the "high" from that event. No hair pulling or even the need to do it so I felt great...until I noticed that I started to feel a little anxiety over small things (which is what triggers it anymore) and all of a sudden I was pulling it again. I started to notice a correlation of my time with God and the peace I felt. No time with God equaled much anxiety over trivial things..again.. Ugh..what did I do??

So, here I go again. Now I am learning how to walk with God just like a lot of you. Those of you who do it like a seasoned champion, I envy you. I am learning from you whether you know it or not. Back to quiet time I go...I expect God to be waiting for me and welcome me back with open arms and the peace that I lost along the way.

Wow, this really is a life journey! Just like everything else in life, I must find what is truly important and get back to it. No time off for the weary! Like Beth says in her study that God wants me to be FREE from my bondage, no matte what it is. He does not want it to revisit me and me fall victim to it time and time again. Once and for all, I will conquer this and it will no longer be a yoke around my neck!

Crossed a border

I DID IT! Okay, last week I got baptised! I felt like God was calling me out to show him I meant business when I said I was going to follow Him. He tugged on my heart for quite some time before I had the nerve to stand up and say so out loud! I actually got to share the experience not only with my family but a sweet, sweet gal that was also getting baptised. It was a great thing to share with her too! I am looking forward to building some real relationships when these great women!

Now that I crossed one border, I am on my way with the help of the holy spirit to cross many more. I am filled with joy to know that I am breaking free from such a life of bondage. Okay, so maybe I don't mean me, I mean WE. Me and God..

my "truth"

okay, It has been awhile but I have just been storing up my thoughts until I can get some time to get on here! Beth talked about my "truth" this week. You know, the things we keep telling ourselves over and over that are "true" to us but in reality may not be so true. I am going to list what my "truths" are as I see them...

I am funny, devoted to my husband and children, sarcastic, pretty, fiercely protective of those whom I am close, good daughter, competitive, hard working. These are some of my good truths. Here come the rest..

I am insecure and paraniod at times, feel left out, outsider, akward, used, harsh sexual past, afraid, tightwad, obsessive compulsive, anxious, invisible, forgotten. My favorite label to wear from when I was a kind was "whore" That was always a way to kill me, right through the heart.

In as kind of a way as possible to phrase this, not everything that happened to us actually happened the way we think it did. I mean, I feel like I was victimized but yet I refuse to admit it so instead I own it. I feel anxious about big groups because it seems not a lot of people can't remember my name. When I meet someone five times and they keep saying "nice to meet you" each time, I feel like an unimportant, invisible shell. Like I don't belong there. So my "truth" then is just that! That confirms what I think to be true! When really it might not be me, it might be they are stressed, busy or just inconsiderate. Either of those things are not my doing or my fault, but I usually end up wearing it like a nice scarf around my neck..choking me from my freedom.

My "truth" and satan's lies = captivity. This is for sure! I find myself obsessing, worrying over things that have happened 20 years ago when really no one remembers them but me. Sometimes I wonder if an apology would matter or make me feel better. I got one from the girl who bullied me endlessly. well, kind of one I think. When we say that we all did things we weren't proud of and glad that we have all changed for the better, that is not an apology. But I cannot hold those things close to my heart anymore. My husband came home and said that he got a new customer that lives in a certain neighborhood, friend's with a certain person and works a certain place and I thought he was going to say the name of the person who wounded me so..It wasn't but it might as well have been. I got into a momentary panic! I don't think an apology at this point matters, I am the one hardest on myself and I find that I hold others to the same harsh standard! Yikes!

I find with some people more than others, I keep score and feel slighted if they did not do what they said they would. I find that some in my family are the same so I justify it but what it is really doing to me is robbing me of my peace of mind! I hate the feeling of being slighted or ignored or at least my "truth" that I am being mistreated. When I feel this happening, I withdraw which makes it seem even bigger than it is. My learning to accept myself, past and all, will power me forward in my relationship with God and others that I say are important to me.

Whatever my "truth" may be, I am at a point where I am willing to accept not only mine but those around me. Why is it that I am allowed to screw up but no one else is? My "truth" of my sexual past plus satan's lies made me think that I was not deserving of a good man or good relationships with anyone else. I was unlovable but I realize that was and is a lie. I can actually use my experiences to grow and even help others who may have experienced similar events. It seems kind of selfish to think my mess is so much bigger than anyone else's when in reality, my life is really blessed. I always need to remember that God's truth is greater than my truth and that those two combined can actually equal Freedom!

I'm headin' for the border...

Yea!! I made a Big first step today. I know it seems trivia, really. I am coming to realize that the world does not revolve around me and that we each have things that are hard for us. No matter how silly it is to me, it may be big stuff to you. And vice versa of course.

When we get think about our own downfalls, demons, past experiences etc too much, we are being quite self centered. In past times, I have drowned in my own pity. Like no one else in the world has an issue as big as mine! Oh how far from the truth is that?! Everyone has things they struggle with , no matter how big or small they are, they are real to them and to me. They are real to God. He is the one who will take it on for me, I do not need to drown myself in my pity or shame. By not honoring the HUGE sacrifice God made by giving his own Son, I am not being gracious or accepting.

So on to my big first step. I walked down the stairs (I sit kind of high up at church), those long stairs and down the long aisle (though it always seems) to the front where Pastor Ryan was waiting. I have been called to baptism as a way to show God I truly believe He is my savior as well as show that I am willing to not only Love with my words but with my actions! So, I did it!!! I said to myself that I could go now as God has been prompting be to or I could wait and watch God probably trip me down the stairs later.. I opted to go quietly now! Whew...that was a huge step for me. I mean, I have gone to that church (which I love) for over a year and not broken the concrete from around my feet..but today was the day.

Thanks be to God for getting me past this first step. Now on to the actual baptism which is going to be joyous..and a little scary for me. I will keep you posted.