so what are my strongholds?

I guess before I can be free of my strongholds, I must state exactly what they are. I do know what the biggies are for me but overcoming them has been a lifelong journey in which I have not been completely successful. The word "confession" has been playing in my head all day and I have been avoiding the computer. I found a note that says this about confession. "Confession liberates you in another way:It opens up the possibility of change in your own life-change that can revolutionize all of your relationships."

I don't have a hard time confessing what my strongholds are. They are shame, guilt and fear. Shame and guilt have been my companions for about 22 years now. I do however find it hard to say why I feel these things. Here goes....

When I was a freshman, I went with a friend and two boys. We were to go to the fair but needed to stop for money first at one of their homes. I was a naive girl, I had just had my 14th birthday. I was an athlete and a tomboy but I wore make-up and had the usual big hair. I was also a little boy crazy so going to the fair with upperclassman was going to be fun..or so I thought. We went inside, they opened the frig and had some Ruinite wine. My mom liked to drink it sometimes so I was familiar with the bottle. I drank it, got sick, severely drunk and persisted to black out on and off for what seemed like an eternity. My friend wanted to have sex with one of the boys but we were both virgins. She was not able so they both focused on me. After all, I was an easy target. Drunk on the floor. After hours and my friend calling another girl to complain on ME that I had taken her man, I had started to sober up. We were to head back to her house. Now here is where my warped 14 year old thinking came in...I thought then that these boys must really like me! What?! So, as Monday morning came I was enemy #1 to girls everywhere in school and the new boy's best friend. I was so confused, embarrassed but slightly hopeful that this would mean boys would like me...That is part of the shame of it. I mean, I should know that it was wrong and stood up for myself but I did no such thing! No one really knew what happened except the "friend" who went on to spread more rumors. I was suddenly getting a lot of attention that I could not escape.

As my self esteem plummeted, I became verbally attacked daily by many but one in particular would not let loose. My normal self would have not taken it for one minute but I was so shamed that I just wanted to hide. That was the beginning of several more years of destructive sexual behavior and drinking. I quit playing a sport that I was great at all to avoid the verbal abuse. I was alienating my friends, if they didn't alienate me first. My life was not the fun, care free life a teenager should have at this age. I was worrying about who wanted to pick a fight with me because their boyfriend looked at me instead of talking about prom. I have never felt so alone. If only I had been strong enough to ask for help. Okay, enough of this. Even I am tired of hearing it..

Whew...I said it. Now, I am afraid to hit the post button. I am not a victim now but yet I was then and really still cannot admit it. The hard part is sometimes feeling like that helpless, hopeless teenager but knowing I am a grown woman now with 3 kids of my own. I mean over 20 years has passed yet I up until a year ago if I saw a person I knew from school I would go the other way or act like I did not see them. All in shame. It is amazing how an event and those that follow can write on the core of who you are, never letting go for one minute. I remember when people would come to my door to ask if I knew Christ and want to give me their magazine. I did, vaguely. They would talk about Him and then ask if I would accept Him right there. My heart screamed "YES, YES you are now free from this!" I would feel hopeful for the first time and then I would go back and be surrounded by the same condemnation day after day. I have not shared this in much detail with many due to my shame, guilt in my participation and fear of more judgement.

God has been good at showing me that people change. I mean, if I can change old behaviors than why couldn't I see that others could too? By bringing me to a church where a lot of old friends and classmates were really started all of this flooding my heart again. I had it all tucked away nice and neatly until I walked into the church one night to take my daughter to cubbies. "Hi, Christa" I heard...gulp..uh oh! I felt like that same 14 year old girl all over again. But God has really taken a hold of my heart walking with me each step of the way. Believe me, I am still fearful of a lot (I will cover this another day...lol)but He has shown me that I need Him and I actually don't need validation from others anymore. That is a relief and joy!

In day one of the study and my first post, God said if you don't seek freedom, you will seek shelter. Meaning if we don't grab and take hold of what He is offering to us, we will hide our lives away! I have already hidden enough of my life away, what about you?

Confession IS liberating. God is going to do a great work through my life, I just know it. Through him I will overcome bondage. There would be no greater gift right now. I would seriously hate to get to the end of my life and God not tell me that I was not a good and faithful servant. Instead of thinking only of myself and dwelling on such I could have been doing so much more in His name! God has always reached out to me, even as a child I knew he was there, I just let my issues get in the way of the love He has for me. Just think about how you feel when you look at your own babies, with such love and acceptance of all they are. That is how He sees me! I just have to be able to ACCEPT it.

Deep breath...Here goes..Enter.

Day two, week one

Okay, I am writing another because I skipped ahead a bit because it is so good. In day two of the study entitled "The Reign of Jotham and the call of Isaiah" we know that Uzziah has passed and his son Jotham in now king. He walked steadfastly before the Lord his God but he failed in one thing. The spiritual state of his people was corrupt..Why was it corrupt? Because they worshipped IDOLS! Yikes! We know we are not to do this, God tells us it makes him angry but don't we do it anyway? I mean, will he really mind if we find that some of today's famous people are just utterly addicting and we must have more of them? They are on TV so they must be smart, right? lol.

Okay, I really don't get into famous movie stars or TV stars much though I certainly can get addicted to shows starring utterly handsome, rugged, save the day kind of guys so I try to stear clear! Isiaih got caught up in the King as the all mighty. I mean for over 50 years King Uzziah was ruler and Isaiah saw him as a hero. It is easy to do when you see a strong person that takes charge and saves the day. People will give up their own power to others. But now that Uzziah was dead, Isaiah was called by an even greater and more powerful being..God! Now he was a true believer after hearing "holy, holy holy" and feeling the ground shake him to his knees. So Isaiah needed to go and help Jotham be strong in the Lord too. But how?

Do we ever truly learn from other's mistakes? As Beth says, we can choose to be everseeing, but never perceiving. Like when your kids tell you they hear you, they understand you but then do it again (whatever it may be) and you want to scream "Didn't you HEAR me the first, second and third time I asked you to..?" I bet that is what God wants to scream at us sometimes. I have told you and told you yet you do it anyway...do you need a spanking? Wait..my mommy mode came out for a second..

Jotham was a good king but he did not hold his people accountable and they worshipped other gods etc. He seemed more afraid of them than of God! It seems easier to fear sneers, ridicule and unacceptance from peers than what God is asking us to do because those people are right in front of our faces as a daily reminder. God is not, in human form, right in front of us. So we will choose acceptance from peers over the harder choice of trusting God. Maybe it also has something to do with that instant gratification thing? That also reminds me of why we seem to turn to human things for answers..With google, FB, texting and the internet, we can get just about any answer we want ASAP..God doesn't seem to work that way, dang it.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to act like whomever we spend our time with? I know that was true for me as a kid. I ran with all kinds of groups. Athletes, stoners, outcasts, spirit leaders and such. Each group I was around, I would act differently to fit in..and let me tell you that gets you no where fast! But it seems to be part of the human condition. I want to fit in, I will do what you tell me to, I will regret it terribly, I will do it again and hope for a different result, I will regret it again..and on and on! When we learn to listen to God, only HE can direct us where we need to be and allow us to have strength in who we are.

Day one of week one

Wow! I must say that I already love this study! It seems the theme of day 1 study was the mean and ugly PRIDE. We all know people who we think are too big for their britches and there is absolutely nothing we can say to make them think otherwise. To me that is what happened to Uzziah. The primary sin he committed was the sin of pride.

At first I did not think this pertained to me personally. I mean, I certainly do not think I am better than others and I do not think my way is always right. I am usually looking for too much input into my decisions. But as I had some time alone while in the shower (hiding from my kids) God gently said "not so fast." I had examples of how I do suffer from pride at times, though not the apparent, know it all kind. The example that came to me is when I do not accept help. Why would I not accept help when I need it? I mean, I have three young kids and I homeschool and the kids are messy and they need things..Not to mention a husband who likes to come home to watch hours of political shows. (just making a statement, not complaining..yet) If I express to someone how I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and someone makes an offer to help I might quickly dismiss it with "thanks, but I'm okay. I'm fine, just complaining." So, my pride gets in the way of me making connections with others who are offering to help me. I feel like I am somehow failing if I get help. I mean, why am I not good enough to do it all myself? I realized that it has nothing to do with that, it has to do with me failing to open myself up to forming close bonds with others and most importantly God. I am not here to do it all by myself. I need God and others to surround me with love and I want to do that for them too.

So,needless to say pride effects me too. It is certainly not my biggest obstacle but it is a small one for me. Like Uzziah when he decided he was going to perform duties that only priests are to do. What??! Who was he to perform a sacred burning of incense. So, what did Uzziah get for his pride? Just the total downfall of his kingdom, that's all! God had given him leprocy, was sent away to live alone and away from God. And he died without getting the same accolades as previous kings for his great work. So, his legacy which was so successful in building up and protecting a nation was now remembered as "he had leprocy" Period.

I sometimes wonder what I want my legacy to be. Not that I want to go anytime soon but will people ever know the REAL me? Sometimes I wonder if I know the real me...Its seems that living in chains for a lot of years caused me to doubt my own decision making skills. If I made so many crappy decisions, can I trust myself to make any good ones? Then it leads to stifling procrastination simply due to the inability to make a decision. I mean does it really matter if I go with red or green baskets for the kids rooms? NO! But it can take me hours of standing in a store to make that decision. Geez! At this point in my life, I am done with charades of who I think I should be. I want to be who I really am, whoever that is! I know God is speaking to me each day as I pick up the bible and read the scriptures. My eyes and heart are open to see and hear who I really am, through His eyes.

Intro to the study..

Here I am to write about Beth Moore's study and how I hope it will affect my life. I just love Beth Moore. I would like to carry her around in my pocket for inspiration. I just love people who can be that positive and purposeful. I envy them because I am not that way at all. I love that she has such passion for Christ. I have a friend like that who I call a ray of sunshine. Anytime I see her I think of that. She is close to Christ too so I think there has to be something to their sunny disposition and the fact they are always seeking God. Hmm...I am not for sure but I know I want some of what they have.

Last night was the intro and it was gooood. She said that Bondage is anything that hinders us from what God wants us to be and that our strongholds ALWAYS leads to isolation. Maybe not literal isolation but I know there is nothing worse than being in a group of people yet feeling like your still alone. I know many times I wished I was invisible as a teen when I felt I was the center of attention I did not want. Now though, I want some of that friendship and I am the ghost I always thought I wanted to be. You mean I actually have to learn how to be and have friends like a 4 year old?? yep.. and this is due to some of my srongholds! I know at times I am my own worst enemy and I had to realize that it is the devil himself just laughing at my despair. He has me where he wants me and I did not even know it! Needless to say, I have many strongholds I hope to kill by the end of this study such as fear, anxiety, pride, shame and guilt. Not that I walk around like a zombie shackled in chains with each name of my trouble displayed in bold at the end of an enormous ball but some days it feels like a heavy coat to say the least.

God said that he wants us to bear MUCH fruit, not just a little, not just a couple berries but MUCH or even an abundant amount..but how do I do that?? God also says that if we don't seek freedom, we will seek shelter. God doesn't want me to hide anymore from some imaginary label I put on myself so many years ago. People aren't looking at me, they are worried people are looking at them! It is time to turn off the tape that has been repeating in my head for 20 years! Whew..

The purpose of the journey is not to kill me but to bring me to the full measure of abundant life He promised. I need to be more scared of missing what God has in store for me than of letting go of junk that will keep me from Him.