Learning how to lead

I have always been outgoing and involved in sports in my life. I have had no hesitations for trying out or competing and even leading at times but I have no idea how to lead a family in Christ..

Most of my life when it comes to relationships I have been the compromiser, the follower, the peace-keeper. No matter who I dated, I would conform to their likes and be easy to follow. That did not always suit me well though. Most of the times it caused more problems than it helped. I was always at conflict within myself for not following my way. I have a very outspoken husband who is very generous with his love for me and the kids. He is very black and white in his ways and that is hard at times when I want to be gray. I admire homes where the husband is the spiritual leader because frankly, I am used to following and not leading and I am not really comfortable with the idea. I guess God never promised me that life would be comfortable huh?!

So, how do I lead my own family in relationship with Christ? I know that my relationship with Christ is the only one I can control, I can teach my children to love the Lord and pray that they grab hold and take it to heart always but I am not used to being the leader. Maybe it is because I am so new at it and I am not sure exactly of what I am doing. Any advice?

Love

Let's talk about love...Isn't that a Van Halen song?

In study we talked about why God makes love the priority command. Here's what I learned. Love motivates obedience. Tell that to my kids. Or at least my son! I seem to act better when I am motivated by love, when I am filled with love, than when I am empty. Next it motivates perseverance. How true is that?! When we really love, we persevere. We see things through to the end, no matter when that is. I think of the love for my family. I will always fight, defend and protect them. I guess I need to know that is what Jesus thinks about me too! This one is a biggie for me..Love for God empowers love for others! I love that. By seeking God, loving him first He will provide me with all the love I need for everyone else. I always thought I had enough love to go around but at 3am when I am tired and Reagan is crying, Riley had an accident and Olivia is sick, I need all the love I can get! I also find that when I am feeling full of love from God that I am a better wife. I dont' mind as much when my husband leaves a trail of messes behind him (note I said "as much") or if he is late or any other number of things.

Here's where I am identifying True love by the following:

Does God regularly circulate my thoughts? Yes, often.
Am I often drawn to spend time with Him? Yes, often. But doing it is another thing..I know, not so good.
Does my life demonstrate a love for God? I think so..not sure..Um..
Do I often enjoy God? I am learning about God, to know Him is to love him I'm sure.
Do I ultimately find relief or satisfaction in obedience? I have never been known to be obedient but I am working on it. I think I am getting a taste of that with my son!

The best thing I learned is that I can ask God to have the love for Him I want! I kind of thought that I was supposed to have this overwhelming joy just come in my heart and I would be giddy.. (Maybe I watch too many movies or romances) but I realize in my newness to Christ that also since it is His desire for me to love him completely that He will grant it to me. How cool is that?

Oh ya, and I love you too. Study girls will know what I mean.
Does

Do I REALLY love God?

Okay, That may seem like a weird thing to say but during our study last week that statement hit me profoundly. Beth was being her usual Beth self and was talking about how you know when you go to church and you sing songs of worship and the songs say that talk about undying love for God or show me brokenness so I can live fully in Christ.. You know what I mean, singing songs about undying, overwhelming love for Christ when you don't feel it fully..yet. Don't get me wrong, I love what only Jesus can do for me, the gift God has given me in salvation and the gift of the spirit however I am learning to love God, since I don't know him as well as I will. I certainly never want to be one who says things I don't mean, I want to mean what I say, especially when it comes to worshipping my God and creator.

When I think of God's love for me, I am a little hesitant to accept it because it is hard for me at times to accept love, but I realize that it is sinful to not take God at his word, that he loves me more than anything. I can only try to comprehend it by the feelings and deep love I have for my own children. I love them beyond all comprehension and would do anything in the world for them, die for them if I had to. That is how I try to wrap my mind around God's love for me. The more I know God, the more I love him too. I felt relieved to know that it is okay for me to not have that overwhelming, emotional love for God just yet. I know I will, I pray for it, I beg for it. I want it more than anything. And I will get it.

OOPS..

It has been awhile since I wrote last, seems I fell into the pitfall that I was warned about recently during one of Pastor Michael's sermons. You know, you are saved, you feel great, invinsible even and then you start to put off daily time with God. I started to try some new things, sewing and crafting, that I was afraid to try thinking I wasn't good enough to do them. Well, I felt with the strength I gained through Christ that I would have no fear of failure and give it all a try. And...I did it! But in that time, I left out my daily devotion time and even was a little slow on my study time. And believe me, I could tell a difference!

I have a habit that I developed during an extremely stressful time in my life about 15 years ago. I was going through a divorce and was lied to and cheated on. My fear of abandonment that I have had since young childhood (though for no concrete reason) was peaked. I was so devastated at the time that I started pulling my hair! What? That seems so weird I know. I wasn't sure why I did it and it was hard to control. Later I learned that it is an extreme stress response with a really long name..Though I choose not to be a victim to it, it still finds its way back to me. I still do it on and off from 15 years ago. Most people don't know it and you can't really tell but I do know I am doing it. So, don't come and slap my hand like I am not aware of it! lol Anyway, when I made the decision to get baptised I felt so calm and secure. Then for about three weeks I was riding on the "high" from that event. No hair pulling or even the need to do it so I felt great...until I noticed that I started to feel a little anxiety over small things (which is what triggers it anymore) and all of a sudden I was pulling it again. I started to notice a correlation of my time with God and the peace I felt. No time with God equaled much anxiety over trivial things..again.. Ugh..what did I do??

So, here I go again. Now I am learning how to walk with God just like a lot of you. Those of you who do it like a seasoned champion, I envy you. I am learning from you whether you know it or not. Back to quiet time I go...I expect God to be waiting for me and welcome me back with open arms and the peace that I lost along the way.

Wow, this really is a life journey! Just like everything else in life, I must find what is truly important and get back to it. No time off for the weary! Like Beth says in her study that God wants me to be FREE from my bondage, no matte what it is. He does not want it to revisit me and me fall victim to it time and time again. Once and for all, I will conquer this and it will no longer be a yoke around my neck!

Crossed a border

I DID IT! Okay, last week I got baptised! I felt like God was calling me out to show him I meant business when I said I was going to follow Him. He tugged on my heart for quite some time before I had the nerve to stand up and say so out loud! I actually got to share the experience not only with my family but a sweet, sweet gal that was also getting baptised. It was a great thing to share with her too! I am looking forward to building some real relationships when these great women!

Now that I crossed one border, I am on my way with the help of the holy spirit to cross many more. I am filled with joy to know that I am breaking free from such a life of bondage. Okay, so maybe I don't mean me, I mean WE. Me and God..

my "truth"

okay, It has been awhile but I have just been storing up my thoughts until I can get some time to get on here! Beth talked about my "truth" this week. You know, the things we keep telling ourselves over and over that are "true" to us but in reality may not be so true. I am going to list what my "truths" are as I see them...

I am funny, devoted to my husband and children, sarcastic, pretty, fiercely protective of those whom I am close, good daughter, competitive, hard working. These are some of my good truths. Here come the rest..

I am insecure and paraniod at times, feel left out, outsider, akward, used, harsh sexual past, afraid, tightwad, obsessive compulsive, anxious, invisible, forgotten. My favorite label to wear from when I was a kind was "whore" That was always a way to kill me, right through the heart.

In as kind of a way as possible to phrase this, not everything that happened to us actually happened the way we think it did. I mean, I feel like I was victimized but yet I refuse to admit it so instead I own it. I feel anxious about big groups because it seems not a lot of people can't remember my name. When I meet someone five times and they keep saying "nice to meet you" each time, I feel like an unimportant, invisible shell. Like I don't belong there. So my "truth" then is just that! That confirms what I think to be true! When really it might not be me, it might be they are stressed, busy or just inconsiderate. Either of those things are not my doing or my fault, but I usually end up wearing it like a nice scarf around my neck..choking me from my freedom.

My "truth" and satan's lies = captivity. This is for sure! I find myself obsessing, worrying over things that have happened 20 years ago when really no one remembers them but me. Sometimes I wonder if an apology would matter or make me feel better. I got one from the girl who bullied me endlessly. well, kind of one I think. When we say that we all did things we weren't proud of and glad that we have all changed for the better, that is not an apology. But I cannot hold those things close to my heart anymore. My husband came home and said that he got a new customer that lives in a certain neighborhood, friend's with a certain person and works a certain place and I thought he was going to say the name of the person who wounded me so..It wasn't but it might as well have been. I got into a momentary panic! I don't think an apology at this point matters, I am the one hardest on myself and I find that I hold others to the same harsh standard! Yikes!

I find with some people more than others, I keep score and feel slighted if they did not do what they said they would. I find that some in my family are the same so I justify it but what it is really doing to me is robbing me of my peace of mind! I hate the feeling of being slighted or ignored or at least my "truth" that I am being mistreated. When I feel this happening, I withdraw which makes it seem even bigger than it is. My learning to accept myself, past and all, will power me forward in my relationship with God and others that I say are important to me.

Whatever my "truth" may be, I am at a point where I am willing to accept not only mine but those around me. Why is it that I am allowed to screw up but no one else is? My "truth" of my sexual past plus satan's lies made me think that I was not deserving of a good man or good relationships with anyone else. I was unlovable but I realize that was and is a lie. I can actually use my experiences to grow and even help others who may have experienced similar events. It seems kind of selfish to think my mess is so much bigger than anyone else's when in reality, my life is really blessed. I always need to remember that God's truth is greater than my truth and that those two combined can actually equal Freedom!

I'm headin' for the border...

Yea!! I made a Big first step today. I know it seems trivia, really. I am coming to realize that the world does not revolve around me and that we each have things that are hard for us. No matter how silly it is to me, it may be big stuff to you. And vice versa of course.

When we get think about our own downfalls, demons, past experiences etc too much, we are being quite self centered. In past times, I have drowned in my own pity. Like no one else in the world has an issue as big as mine! Oh how far from the truth is that?! Everyone has things they struggle with , no matter how big or small they are, they are real to them and to me. They are real to God. He is the one who will take it on for me, I do not need to drown myself in my pity or shame. By not honoring the HUGE sacrifice God made by giving his own Son, I am not being gracious or accepting.

So on to my big first step. I walked down the stairs (I sit kind of high up at church), those long stairs and down the long aisle (though it always seems) to the front where Pastor Ryan was waiting. I have been called to baptism as a way to show God I truly believe He is my savior as well as show that I am willing to not only Love with my words but with my actions! So, I did it!!! I said to myself that I could go now as God has been prompting be to or I could wait and watch God probably trip me down the stairs later.. I opted to go quietly now! Whew...that was a huge step for me. I mean, I have gone to that church (which I love) for over a year and not broken the concrete from around my feet..but today was the day.

Thanks be to God for getting me past this first step. Now on to the actual baptism which is going to be joyous..and a little scary for me. I will keep you posted.

Week 2...Wow!

Hi All!

The second week of the study has flown by! It is amazing how after hearing such inspiring words from Beth Moore and feeling the Holy Spirit that I have just been floating through the week. But, Hello....time to get back to it!

We talked last week about "crossing a border" Beth told the story about how the bleeding woman bled for 12 years with no chance of healing in sight. Not a person could help her! She knew Jesus was to be coming through and she wanted to get her some healin'. So what did she do? She fought through the crowd and touched his tassel. She was immediately healed! He immediately knew that power had gone out of Him too! He asked who touched him and people were trying to duck the question. I mean, who goes and touches Jesus?! He wanted to be available to her to heal her. Don't you think if he wanted to avoid being touched he could have? Of course he could. Jesus told her that her faith had healed her and to go in peace.

Have any of you ever gotten to a point in life where you know you just can't keep doing the same old thing, day after day, week after week, year after year? I know I have done the same thing expecting different results and got no healing. So we should ask ourselves if it is time to do something different! Crossing a border, as Beth says! I can tell you that I am at the point where if I saw Jesus going through the crowd, I would take off running for him and throw some elbows (like the good ol' days) to get what I desperately needed! There is no more time for pleasantries and people pleasing. Those days are done! But I must conquer this fear stronghold first..

I have really felt a peace coming on that I have not felt in a long time. I mean, I have a great family, beautiful children, a loving husband but that hole in my heart was still there. But for my fear stronghold, I am making such progress. Pastor Michael said not to let fear of crowds, judgement, insert your own silly obstacle, to get in the way of a really rewarding life with Christ. Inside I am screaming "Ya! You tell 'em" but when it came time to come down those stairs and go forward with my need, I am CHICKEN! My feet won't move one step though God calls me to. Uh-oh...that is not being obedient. I mean, God won't be mad right? He understands my fear so he should be okay and forgive me right? Uh, wrong! Fear does not give me an excuse to not fulfill what he wants me to be! Living in fear, no matter how big or small, robs me of an abundant life. Whether it being afraid to state my opinion or say hi to someone in the mall that may not recognize me, fear robs me of an abundant life that God sacrificed his Son to give me.

I need to have more faith..or maybe know what faith actually is. In the study, it is said that "Sometimes faith is absence of fear. Other times, faith may be choosing to believe God even when my heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." Thanks, Beth. That is an awesome point!

My fear keeps me from a big thing that God wants me to do....be baptised. I have never been baptised before and I know that it is a big step in going forward with my journey. A public showing of my faith...but more of a showing to me and to God. That I can step out of my fear to do something bigger. So far I have had concrete feet but I am praying for wings to fly me down those stairs and on to the next step of my breaking free!

End of week one

My last post I wrote some things that have happenened in my life and things that still bind me up. Thanks for your responses. They are very encouraging! I am going to combine a few resources today that may seem really odd and certainly are not on the same status by any means but do cover similiar points. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (ok, I like to watch him..what of it? lol) and there were people on there suffering for long periods of time about labels they were given..how ironic to see that very show after what I had written! Here's what I took from it... the litmus test on our labels..

#1 Is it a true fact?
#2 Does it serve my best interest?
#3 Does it get me what I want?
#4 Does it protect and prolong my health?

The fact that long after those experiences have happened and we have rid ourselves of those negative people, WE pick up those labels and continue to bash ourselves over the head with them...millions more times than any one person ever could. WE allow ourselves to be our own bully! Yikes!

When I look at #2 and ask if it serves my best interest, I also have to ask if it is in the best interet of God..Of course it isn't. Would any Father or parent want their child to demean themselves and not be all they are made to be? To not live up to our full potential in this life, we are robbing not only us but those that love us ; Mainly God as our creator and heavenly Father. He did not knit me in my mother's womb and have a plan to prosper me only for me to waste it on such negativity! It would devastate ME to see my beautiful children suffer from their own words for as many years as I have. Now that I am a parent, I can see how God loves me. If he can love me more than I love my own children than how can I possibly go wrong? I personally cannot fathom that there is a love greater but I am told it is true!

By replacing my ongoing tape recorder of fear statements in my head and replacing them with God's words of love and truth I can finally hear the REAL truth, straight from my maker himself! Now to arm myself with scriptures that speak that truth. That is one thing I have not tried before but it is a true priority now! What scriptures do you have that speak to you in times of weakness?

Fear is something that I also suffer from at times, okay a lot of times. Anything from making the wrong decision about dinner (I know, dumb) to fear of losing my family or even my fear of failure and ridicule. Though it does not consume me, my husband could tell you that my first word out of my mouth when he approaches me with something new is "NO" and I start to ask a million questions and get in a tizzy. Over 10 years of marriage, he has learned to let that part pass and I always come around to the rational. But it is hard getting closer to God, new friends, new ideas...just about anything when my first reaction is No.

When I did a bible study last year with my ray of sunshine friend, here is a card that we received in our study Esther. It is below..

IF= I Fear

"If____________, then God will take care of me. If__________, then God has a plan.
If____________, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me and If____, then God's going to demostrate His sufficency to me."

I have always kept this card near me where I can see it. It brings me peace at times but I have still failed to get over that hump. I am going to surrender my heart so God can have it.. That is my plan anyway because I know freedom awaits.

so what are my strongholds?

I guess before I can be free of my strongholds, I must state exactly what they are. I do know what the biggies are for me but overcoming them has been a lifelong journey in which I have not been completely successful. The word "confession" has been playing in my head all day and I have been avoiding the computer. I found a note that says this about confession. "Confession liberates you in another way:It opens up the possibility of change in your own life-change that can revolutionize all of your relationships."

I don't have a hard time confessing what my strongholds are. They are shame, guilt and fear. Shame and guilt have been my companions for about 22 years now. I do however find it hard to say why I feel these things. Here goes....

When I was a freshman, I went with a friend and two boys. We were to go to the fair but needed to stop for money first at one of their homes. I was a naive girl, I had just had my 14th birthday. I was an athlete and a tomboy but I wore make-up and had the usual big hair. I was also a little boy crazy so going to the fair with upperclassman was going to be fun..or so I thought. We went inside, they opened the frig and had some Ruinite wine. My mom liked to drink it sometimes so I was familiar with the bottle. I drank it, got sick, severely drunk and persisted to black out on and off for what seemed like an eternity. My friend wanted to have sex with one of the boys but we were both virgins. She was not able so they both focused on me. After all, I was an easy target. Drunk on the floor. After hours and my friend calling another girl to complain on ME that I had taken her man, I had started to sober up. We were to head back to her house. Now here is where my warped 14 year old thinking came in...I thought then that these boys must really like me! What?! So, as Monday morning came I was enemy #1 to girls everywhere in school and the new boy's best friend. I was so confused, embarrassed but slightly hopeful that this would mean boys would like me...That is part of the shame of it. I mean, I should know that it was wrong and stood up for myself but I did no such thing! No one really knew what happened except the "friend" who went on to spread more rumors. I was suddenly getting a lot of attention that I could not escape.

As my self esteem plummeted, I became verbally attacked daily by many but one in particular would not let loose. My normal self would have not taken it for one minute but I was so shamed that I just wanted to hide. That was the beginning of several more years of destructive sexual behavior and drinking. I quit playing a sport that I was great at all to avoid the verbal abuse. I was alienating my friends, if they didn't alienate me first. My life was not the fun, care free life a teenager should have at this age. I was worrying about who wanted to pick a fight with me because their boyfriend looked at me instead of talking about prom. I have never felt so alone. If only I had been strong enough to ask for help. Okay, enough of this. Even I am tired of hearing it..

Whew...I said it. Now, I am afraid to hit the post button. I am not a victim now but yet I was then and really still cannot admit it. The hard part is sometimes feeling like that helpless, hopeless teenager but knowing I am a grown woman now with 3 kids of my own. I mean over 20 years has passed yet I up until a year ago if I saw a person I knew from school I would go the other way or act like I did not see them. All in shame. It is amazing how an event and those that follow can write on the core of who you are, never letting go for one minute. I remember when people would come to my door to ask if I knew Christ and want to give me their magazine. I did, vaguely. They would talk about Him and then ask if I would accept Him right there. My heart screamed "YES, YES you are now free from this!" I would feel hopeful for the first time and then I would go back and be surrounded by the same condemnation day after day. I have not shared this in much detail with many due to my shame, guilt in my participation and fear of more judgement.

God has been good at showing me that people change. I mean, if I can change old behaviors than why couldn't I see that others could too? By bringing me to a church where a lot of old friends and classmates were really started all of this flooding my heart again. I had it all tucked away nice and neatly until I walked into the church one night to take my daughter to cubbies. "Hi, Christa" I heard...gulp..uh oh! I felt like that same 14 year old girl all over again. But God has really taken a hold of my heart walking with me each step of the way. Believe me, I am still fearful of a lot (I will cover this another day...lol)but He has shown me that I need Him and I actually don't need validation from others anymore. That is a relief and joy!

In day one of the study and my first post, God said if you don't seek freedom, you will seek shelter. Meaning if we don't grab and take hold of what He is offering to us, we will hide our lives away! I have already hidden enough of my life away, what about you?

Confession IS liberating. God is going to do a great work through my life, I just know it. Through him I will overcome bondage. There would be no greater gift right now. I would seriously hate to get to the end of my life and God not tell me that I was not a good and faithful servant. Instead of thinking only of myself and dwelling on such I could have been doing so much more in His name! God has always reached out to me, even as a child I knew he was there, I just let my issues get in the way of the love He has for me. Just think about how you feel when you look at your own babies, with such love and acceptance of all they are. That is how He sees me! I just have to be able to ACCEPT it.

Deep breath...Here goes..Enter.

Day two, week one

Okay, I am writing another because I skipped ahead a bit because it is so good. In day two of the study entitled "The Reign of Jotham and the call of Isaiah" we know that Uzziah has passed and his son Jotham in now king. He walked steadfastly before the Lord his God but he failed in one thing. The spiritual state of his people was corrupt..Why was it corrupt? Because they worshipped IDOLS! Yikes! We know we are not to do this, God tells us it makes him angry but don't we do it anyway? I mean, will he really mind if we find that some of today's famous people are just utterly addicting and we must have more of them? They are on TV so they must be smart, right? lol.

Okay, I really don't get into famous movie stars or TV stars much though I certainly can get addicted to shows starring utterly handsome, rugged, save the day kind of guys so I try to stear clear! Isiaih got caught up in the King as the all mighty. I mean for over 50 years King Uzziah was ruler and Isaiah saw him as a hero. It is easy to do when you see a strong person that takes charge and saves the day. People will give up their own power to others. But now that Uzziah was dead, Isaiah was called by an even greater and more powerful being..God! Now he was a true believer after hearing "holy, holy holy" and feeling the ground shake him to his knees. So Isaiah needed to go and help Jotham be strong in the Lord too. But how?

Do we ever truly learn from other's mistakes? As Beth says, we can choose to be everseeing, but never perceiving. Like when your kids tell you they hear you, they understand you but then do it again (whatever it may be) and you want to scream "Didn't you HEAR me the first, second and third time I asked you to..?" I bet that is what God wants to scream at us sometimes. I have told you and told you yet you do it anyway...do you need a spanking? Wait..my mommy mode came out for a second..

Jotham was a good king but he did not hold his people accountable and they worshipped other gods etc. He seemed more afraid of them than of God! It seems easier to fear sneers, ridicule and unacceptance from peers than what God is asking us to do because those people are right in front of our faces as a daily reminder. God is not, in human form, right in front of us. So we will choose acceptance from peers over the harder choice of trusting God. Maybe it also has something to do with that instant gratification thing? That also reminds me of why we seem to turn to human things for answers..With google, FB, texting and the internet, we can get just about any answer we want ASAP..God doesn't seem to work that way, dang it.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to act like whomever we spend our time with? I know that was true for me as a kid. I ran with all kinds of groups. Athletes, stoners, outcasts, spirit leaders and such. Each group I was around, I would act differently to fit in..and let me tell you that gets you no where fast! But it seems to be part of the human condition. I want to fit in, I will do what you tell me to, I will regret it terribly, I will do it again and hope for a different result, I will regret it again..and on and on! When we learn to listen to God, only HE can direct us where we need to be and allow us to have strength in who we are.

Day one of week one

Wow! I must say that I already love this study! It seems the theme of day 1 study was the mean and ugly PRIDE. We all know people who we think are too big for their britches and there is absolutely nothing we can say to make them think otherwise. To me that is what happened to Uzziah. The primary sin he committed was the sin of pride.

At first I did not think this pertained to me personally. I mean, I certainly do not think I am better than others and I do not think my way is always right. I am usually looking for too much input into my decisions. But as I had some time alone while in the shower (hiding from my kids) God gently said "not so fast." I had examples of how I do suffer from pride at times, though not the apparent, know it all kind. The example that came to me is when I do not accept help. Why would I not accept help when I need it? I mean, I have three young kids and I homeschool and the kids are messy and they need things..Not to mention a husband who likes to come home to watch hours of political shows. (just making a statement, not complaining..yet) If I express to someone how I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and someone makes an offer to help I might quickly dismiss it with "thanks, but I'm okay. I'm fine, just complaining." So, my pride gets in the way of me making connections with others who are offering to help me. I feel like I am somehow failing if I get help. I mean, why am I not good enough to do it all myself? I realized that it has nothing to do with that, it has to do with me failing to open myself up to forming close bonds with others and most importantly God. I am not here to do it all by myself. I need God and others to surround me with love and I want to do that for them too.

So,needless to say pride effects me too. It is certainly not my biggest obstacle but it is a small one for me. Like Uzziah when he decided he was going to perform duties that only priests are to do. What??! Who was he to perform a sacred burning of incense. So, what did Uzziah get for his pride? Just the total downfall of his kingdom, that's all! God had given him leprocy, was sent away to live alone and away from God. And he died without getting the same accolades as previous kings for his great work. So, his legacy which was so successful in building up and protecting a nation was now remembered as "he had leprocy" Period.

I sometimes wonder what I want my legacy to be. Not that I want to go anytime soon but will people ever know the REAL me? Sometimes I wonder if I know the real me...Its seems that living in chains for a lot of years caused me to doubt my own decision making skills. If I made so many crappy decisions, can I trust myself to make any good ones? Then it leads to stifling procrastination simply due to the inability to make a decision. I mean does it really matter if I go with red or green baskets for the kids rooms? NO! But it can take me hours of standing in a store to make that decision. Geez! At this point in my life, I am done with charades of who I think I should be. I want to be who I really am, whoever that is! I know God is speaking to me each day as I pick up the bible and read the scriptures. My eyes and heart are open to see and hear who I really am, through His eyes.

Intro to the study..

Here I am to write about Beth Moore's study and how I hope it will affect my life. I just love Beth Moore. I would like to carry her around in my pocket for inspiration. I just love people who can be that positive and purposeful. I envy them because I am not that way at all. I love that she has such passion for Christ. I have a friend like that who I call a ray of sunshine. Anytime I see her I think of that. She is close to Christ too so I think there has to be something to their sunny disposition and the fact they are always seeking God. Hmm...I am not for sure but I know I want some of what they have.

Last night was the intro and it was gooood. She said that Bondage is anything that hinders us from what God wants us to be and that our strongholds ALWAYS leads to isolation. Maybe not literal isolation but I know there is nothing worse than being in a group of people yet feeling like your still alone. I know many times I wished I was invisible as a teen when I felt I was the center of attention I did not want. Now though, I want some of that friendship and I am the ghost I always thought I wanted to be. You mean I actually have to learn how to be and have friends like a 4 year old?? yep.. and this is due to some of my srongholds! I know at times I am my own worst enemy and I had to realize that it is the devil himself just laughing at my despair. He has me where he wants me and I did not even know it! Needless to say, I have many strongholds I hope to kill by the end of this study such as fear, anxiety, pride, shame and guilt. Not that I walk around like a zombie shackled in chains with each name of my trouble displayed in bold at the end of an enormous ball but some days it feels like a heavy coat to say the least.

God said that he wants us to bear MUCH fruit, not just a little, not just a couple berries but MUCH or even an abundant amount..but how do I do that?? God also says that if we don't seek freedom, we will seek shelter. God doesn't want me to hide anymore from some imaginary label I put on myself so many years ago. People aren't looking at me, they are worried people are looking at them! It is time to turn off the tape that has been repeating in my head for 20 years! Whew..

The purpose of the journey is not to kill me but to bring me to the full measure of abundant life He promised. I need to be more scared of missing what God has in store for me than of letting go of junk that will keep me from Him.