my "truth"

okay, It has been awhile but I have just been storing up my thoughts until I can get some time to get on here! Beth talked about my "truth" this week. You know, the things we keep telling ourselves over and over that are "true" to us but in reality may not be so true. I am going to list what my "truths" are as I see them...

I am funny, devoted to my husband and children, sarcastic, pretty, fiercely protective of those whom I am close, good daughter, competitive, hard working. These are some of my good truths. Here come the rest..

I am insecure and paraniod at times, feel left out, outsider, akward, used, harsh sexual past, afraid, tightwad, obsessive compulsive, anxious, invisible, forgotten. My favorite label to wear from when I was a kind was "whore" That was always a way to kill me, right through the heart.

In as kind of a way as possible to phrase this, not everything that happened to us actually happened the way we think it did. I mean, I feel like I was victimized but yet I refuse to admit it so instead I own it. I feel anxious about big groups because it seems not a lot of people can't remember my name. When I meet someone five times and they keep saying "nice to meet you" each time, I feel like an unimportant, invisible shell. Like I don't belong there. So my "truth" then is just that! That confirms what I think to be true! When really it might not be me, it might be they are stressed, busy or just inconsiderate. Either of those things are not my doing or my fault, but I usually end up wearing it like a nice scarf around my neck..choking me from my freedom.

My "truth" and satan's lies = captivity. This is for sure! I find myself obsessing, worrying over things that have happened 20 years ago when really no one remembers them but me. Sometimes I wonder if an apology would matter or make me feel better. I got one from the girl who bullied me endlessly. well, kind of one I think. When we say that we all did things we weren't proud of and glad that we have all changed for the better, that is not an apology. But I cannot hold those things close to my heart anymore. My husband came home and said that he got a new customer that lives in a certain neighborhood, friend's with a certain person and works a certain place and I thought he was going to say the name of the person who wounded me so..It wasn't but it might as well have been. I got into a momentary panic! I don't think an apology at this point matters, I am the one hardest on myself and I find that I hold others to the same harsh standard! Yikes!

I find with some people more than others, I keep score and feel slighted if they did not do what they said they would. I find that some in my family are the same so I justify it but what it is really doing to me is robbing me of my peace of mind! I hate the feeling of being slighted or ignored or at least my "truth" that I am being mistreated. When I feel this happening, I withdraw which makes it seem even bigger than it is. My learning to accept myself, past and all, will power me forward in my relationship with God and others that I say are important to me.

Whatever my "truth" may be, I am at a point where I am willing to accept not only mine but those around me. Why is it that I am allowed to screw up but no one else is? My "truth" of my sexual past plus satan's lies made me think that I was not deserving of a good man or good relationships with anyone else. I was unlovable but I realize that was and is a lie. I can actually use my experiences to grow and even help others who may have experienced similar events. It seems kind of selfish to think my mess is so much bigger than anyone else's when in reality, my life is really blessed. I always need to remember that God's truth is greater than my truth and that those two combined can actually equal Freedom!