okay, It has been awhile but I have just been storing up my thoughts until I can get some time to get on here! Beth talked about my "truth" this week. You know, the things we keep telling ourselves over and over that are "true" to us but in reality may not be so true. I am going to list what my "truths" are as I see them...
I am funny, devoted to my husband and children, sarcastic, pretty, fiercely protective of those whom I am close, good daughter, competitive, hard working. These are some of my good truths. Here come the rest..
I am insecure and paraniod at times, feel left out, outsider, akward, used, harsh sexual past, afraid, tightwad, obsessive compulsive, anxious, invisible, forgotten. My favorite label to wear from when I was a kind was "whore" That was always a way to kill me, right through the heart.
In as kind of a way as possible to phrase this, not everything that happened to us actually happened the way we think it did. I mean, I feel like I was victimized but yet I refuse to admit it so instead I own it. I feel anxious about big groups because it seems not a lot of people can't remember my name. When I meet someone five times and they keep saying "nice to meet you" each time, I feel like an unimportant, invisible shell. Like I don't belong there. So my "truth" then is just that! That confirms what I think to be true! When really it might not be me, it might be they are stressed, busy or just inconsiderate. Either of those things are not my doing or my fault, but I usually end up wearing it like a nice scarf around my neck..choking me from my freedom.
My "truth" and satan's lies = captivity. This is for sure! I find myself obsessing, worrying over things that have happened 20 years ago when really no one remembers them but me. Sometimes I wonder if an apology would matter or make me feel better. I got one from the girl who bullied me endlessly. well, kind of one I think. When we say that we all did things we weren't proud of and glad that we have all changed for the better, that is not an apology. But I cannot hold those things close to my heart anymore. My husband came home and said that he got a new customer that lives in a certain neighborhood, friend's with a certain person and works a certain place and I thought he was going to say the name of the person who wounded me so..It wasn't but it might as well have been. I got into a momentary panic! I don't think an apology at this point matters, I am the one hardest on myself and I find that I hold others to the same harsh standard! Yikes!
I find with some people more than others, I keep score and feel slighted if they did not do what they said they would. I find that some in my family are the same so I justify it but what it is really doing to me is robbing me of my peace of mind! I hate the feeling of being slighted or ignored or at least my "truth" that I am being mistreated. When I feel this happening, I withdraw which makes it seem even bigger than it is. My learning to accept myself, past and all, will power me forward in my relationship with God and others that I say are important to me.
Whatever my "truth" may be, I am at a point where I am willing to accept not only mine but those around me. Why is it that I am allowed to screw up but no one else is? My "truth" of my sexual past plus satan's lies made me think that I was not deserving of a good man or good relationships with anyone else. I was unlovable but I realize that was and is a lie. I can actually use my experiences to grow and even help others who may have experienced similar events. It seems kind of selfish to think my mess is so much bigger than anyone else's when in reality, my life is really blessed. I always need to remember that God's truth is greater than my truth and that those two combined can actually equal Freedom!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I'm headin' for the border...
Yea!! I made a Big first step today. I know it seems trivia, really. I am coming to realize that the world does not revolve around me and that we each have things that are hard for us. No matter how silly it is to me, it may be big stuff to you. And vice versa of course.
When we get think about our own downfalls, demons, past experiences etc too much, we are being quite self centered. In past times, I have drowned in my own pity. Like no one else in the world has an issue as big as mine! Oh how far from the truth is that?! Everyone has things they struggle with , no matter how big or small they are, they are real to them and to me. They are real to God. He is the one who will take it on for me, I do not need to drown myself in my pity or shame. By not honoring the HUGE sacrifice God made by giving his own Son, I am not being gracious or accepting.
So on to my big first step. I walked down the stairs (I sit kind of high up at church), those long stairs and down the long aisle (though it always seems) to the front where Pastor Ryan was waiting. I have been called to baptism as a way to show God I truly believe He is my savior as well as show that I am willing to not only Love with my words but with my actions! So, I did it!!! I said to myself that I could go now as God has been prompting be to or I could wait and watch God probably trip me down the stairs later.. I opted to go quietly now! Whew...that was a huge step for me. I mean, I have gone to that church (which I love) for over a year and not broken the concrete from around my feet..but today was the day.
Thanks be to God for getting me past this first step. Now on to the actual baptism which is going to be joyous..and a little scary for me. I will keep you posted.
When we get think about our own downfalls, demons, past experiences etc too much, we are being quite self centered. In past times, I have drowned in my own pity. Like no one else in the world has an issue as big as mine! Oh how far from the truth is that?! Everyone has things they struggle with , no matter how big or small they are, they are real to them and to me. They are real to God. He is the one who will take it on for me, I do not need to drown myself in my pity or shame. By not honoring the HUGE sacrifice God made by giving his own Son, I am not being gracious or accepting.
So on to my big first step. I walked down the stairs (I sit kind of high up at church), those long stairs and down the long aisle (though it always seems) to the front where Pastor Ryan was waiting. I have been called to baptism as a way to show God I truly believe He is my savior as well as show that I am willing to not only Love with my words but with my actions! So, I did it!!! I said to myself that I could go now as God has been prompting be to or I could wait and watch God probably trip me down the stairs later.. I opted to go quietly now! Whew...that was a huge step for me. I mean, I have gone to that church (which I love) for over a year and not broken the concrete from around my feet..but today was the day.
Thanks be to God for getting me past this first step. Now on to the actual baptism which is going to be joyous..and a little scary for me. I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Week 2...Wow!
Hi All!
The second week of the study has flown by! It is amazing how after hearing such inspiring words from Beth Moore and feeling the Holy Spirit that I have just been floating through the week. But, Hello....time to get back to it!
We talked last week about "crossing a border" Beth told the story about how the bleeding woman bled for 12 years with no chance of healing in sight. Not a person could help her! She knew Jesus was to be coming through and she wanted to get her some healin'. So what did she do? She fought through the crowd and touched his tassel. She was immediately healed! He immediately knew that power had gone out of Him too! He asked who touched him and people were trying to duck the question. I mean, who goes and touches Jesus?! He wanted to be available to her to heal her. Don't you think if he wanted to avoid being touched he could have? Of course he could. Jesus told her that her faith had healed her and to go in peace.
Have any of you ever gotten to a point in life where you know you just can't keep doing the same old thing, day after day, week after week, year after year? I know I have done the same thing expecting different results and got no healing. So we should ask ourselves if it is time to do something different! Crossing a border, as Beth says! I can tell you that I am at the point where if I saw Jesus going through the crowd, I would take off running for him and throw some elbows (like the good ol' days) to get what I desperately needed! There is no more time for pleasantries and people pleasing. Those days are done! But I must conquer this fear stronghold first..
I have really felt a peace coming on that I have not felt in a long time. I mean, I have a great family, beautiful children, a loving husband but that hole in my heart was still there. But for my fear stronghold, I am making such progress. Pastor Michael said not to let fear of crowds, judgement, insert your own silly obstacle, to get in the way of a really rewarding life with Christ. Inside I am screaming "Ya! You tell 'em" but when it came time to come down those stairs and go forward with my need, I am CHICKEN! My feet won't move one step though God calls me to. Uh-oh...that is not being obedient. I mean, God won't be mad right? He understands my fear so he should be okay and forgive me right? Uh, wrong! Fear does not give me an excuse to not fulfill what he wants me to be! Living in fear, no matter how big or small, robs me of an abundant life. Whether it being afraid to state my opinion or say hi to someone in the mall that may not recognize me, fear robs me of an abundant life that God sacrificed his Son to give me.
I need to have more faith..or maybe know what faith actually is. In the study, it is said that "Sometimes faith is absence of fear. Other times, faith may be choosing to believe God even when my heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." Thanks, Beth. That is an awesome point!
My fear keeps me from a big thing that God wants me to do....be baptised. I have never been baptised before and I know that it is a big step in going forward with my journey. A public showing of my faith...but more of a showing to me and to God. That I can step out of my fear to do something bigger. So far I have had concrete feet but I am praying for wings to fly me down those stairs and on to the next step of my breaking free!
The second week of the study has flown by! It is amazing how after hearing such inspiring words from Beth Moore and feeling the Holy Spirit that I have just been floating through the week. But, Hello....time to get back to it!
We talked last week about "crossing a border" Beth told the story about how the bleeding woman bled for 12 years with no chance of healing in sight. Not a person could help her! She knew Jesus was to be coming through and she wanted to get her some healin'. So what did she do? She fought through the crowd and touched his tassel. She was immediately healed! He immediately knew that power had gone out of Him too! He asked who touched him and people were trying to duck the question. I mean, who goes and touches Jesus?! He wanted to be available to her to heal her. Don't you think if he wanted to avoid being touched he could have? Of course he could. Jesus told her that her faith had healed her and to go in peace.
Have any of you ever gotten to a point in life where you know you just can't keep doing the same old thing, day after day, week after week, year after year? I know I have done the same thing expecting different results and got no healing. So we should ask ourselves if it is time to do something different! Crossing a border, as Beth says! I can tell you that I am at the point where if I saw Jesus going through the crowd, I would take off running for him and throw some elbows (like the good ol' days) to get what I desperately needed! There is no more time for pleasantries and people pleasing. Those days are done! But I must conquer this fear stronghold first..
I have really felt a peace coming on that I have not felt in a long time. I mean, I have a great family, beautiful children, a loving husband but that hole in my heart was still there. But for my fear stronghold, I am making such progress. Pastor Michael said not to let fear of crowds, judgement, insert your own silly obstacle, to get in the way of a really rewarding life with Christ. Inside I am screaming "Ya! You tell 'em" but when it came time to come down those stairs and go forward with my need, I am CHICKEN! My feet won't move one step though God calls me to. Uh-oh...that is not being obedient. I mean, God won't be mad right? He understands my fear so he should be okay and forgive me right? Uh, wrong! Fear does not give me an excuse to not fulfill what he wants me to be! Living in fear, no matter how big or small, robs me of an abundant life. Whether it being afraid to state my opinion or say hi to someone in the mall that may not recognize me, fear robs me of an abundant life that God sacrificed his Son to give me.
I need to have more faith..or maybe know what faith actually is. In the study, it is said that "Sometimes faith is absence of fear. Other times, faith may be choosing to believe God even when my heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." Thanks, Beth. That is an awesome point!
My fear keeps me from a big thing that God wants me to do....be baptised. I have never been baptised before and I know that it is a big step in going forward with my journey. A public showing of my faith...but more of a showing to me and to God. That I can step out of my fear to do something bigger. So far I have had concrete feet but I am praying for wings to fly me down those stairs and on to the next step of my breaking free!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
End of week one
My last post I wrote some things that have happenened in my life and things that still bind me up. Thanks for your responses. They are very encouraging! I am going to combine a few resources today that may seem really odd and certainly are not on the same status by any means but do cover similiar points. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (ok, I like to watch him..what of it? lol) and there were people on there suffering for long periods of time about labels they were given..how ironic to see that very show after what I had written! Here's what I took from it... the litmus test on our labels..
#1 Is it a true fact?
#2 Does it serve my best interest?
#3 Does it get me what I want?
#4 Does it protect and prolong my health?
The fact that long after those experiences have happened and we have rid ourselves of those negative people, WE pick up those labels and continue to bash ourselves over the head with them...millions more times than any one person ever could. WE allow ourselves to be our own bully! Yikes!
When I look at #2 and ask if it serves my best interest, I also have to ask if it is in the best interet of God..Of course it isn't. Would any Father or parent want their child to demean themselves and not be all they are made to be? To not live up to our full potential in this life, we are robbing not only us but those that love us ; Mainly God as our creator and heavenly Father. He did not knit me in my mother's womb and have a plan to prosper me only for me to waste it on such negativity! It would devastate ME to see my beautiful children suffer from their own words for as many years as I have. Now that I am a parent, I can see how God loves me. If he can love me more than I love my own children than how can I possibly go wrong? I personally cannot fathom that there is a love greater but I am told it is true!
By replacing my ongoing tape recorder of fear statements in my head and replacing them with God's words of love and truth I can finally hear the REAL truth, straight from my maker himself! Now to arm myself with scriptures that speak that truth. That is one thing I have not tried before but it is a true priority now! What scriptures do you have that speak to you in times of weakness?
Fear is something that I also suffer from at times, okay a lot of times. Anything from making the wrong decision about dinner (I know, dumb) to fear of losing my family or even my fear of failure and ridicule. Though it does not consume me, my husband could tell you that my first word out of my mouth when he approaches me with something new is "NO" and I start to ask a million questions and get in a tizzy. Over 10 years of marriage, he has learned to let that part pass and I always come around to the rational. But it is hard getting closer to God, new friends, new ideas...just about anything when my first reaction is No.
When I did a bible study last year with my ray of sunshine friend, here is a card that we received in our study Esther. It is below..
IF= I Fear
"If____________, then God will take care of me. If__________, then God has a plan.
If____________, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me and If____, then God's going to demostrate His sufficency to me."
I have always kept this card near me where I can see it. It brings me peace at times but I have still failed to get over that hump. I am going to surrender my heart so God can have it.. That is my plan anyway because I know freedom awaits.
#1 Is it a true fact?
#2 Does it serve my best interest?
#3 Does it get me what I want?
#4 Does it protect and prolong my health?
The fact that long after those experiences have happened and we have rid ourselves of those negative people, WE pick up those labels and continue to bash ourselves over the head with them...millions more times than any one person ever could. WE allow ourselves to be our own bully! Yikes!
When I look at #2 and ask if it serves my best interest, I also have to ask if it is in the best interet of God..Of course it isn't. Would any Father or parent want their child to demean themselves and not be all they are made to be? To not live up to our full potential in this life, we are robbing not only us but those that love us ; Mainly God as our creator and heavenly Father. He did not knit me in my mother's womb and have a plan to prosper me only for me to waste it on such negativity! It would devastate ME to see my beautiful children suffer from their own words for as many years as I have. Now that I am a parent, I can see how God loves me. If he can love me more than I love my own children than how can I possibly go wrong? I personally cannot fathom that there is a love greater but I am told it is true!
By replacing my ongoing tape recorder of fear statements in my head and replacing them with God's words of love and truth I can finally hear the REAL truth, straight from my maker himself! Now to arm myself with scriptures that speak that truth. That is one thing I have not tried before but it is a true priority now! What scriptures do you have that speak to you in times of weakness?
Fear is something that I also suffer from at times, okay a lot of times. Anything from making the wrong decision about dinner (I know, dumb) to fear of losing my family or even my fear of failure and ridicule. Though it does not consume me, my husband could tell you that my first word out of my mouth when he approaches me with something new is "NO" and I start to ask a million questions and get in a tizzy. Over 10 years of marriage, he has learned to let that part pass and I always come around to the rational. But it is hard getting closer to God, new friends, new ideas...just about anything when my first reaction is No.
When I did a bible study last year with my ray of sunshine friend, here is a card that we received in our study Esther. It is below..
IF= I Fear
"If____________, then God will take care of me. If__________, then God has a plan.
If____________, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me and If____, then God's going to demostrate His sufficency to me."
I have always kept this card near me where I can see it. It brings me peace at times but I have still failed to get over that hump. I am going to surrender my heart so God can have it.. That is my plan anyway because I know freedom awaits.
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