so what are my strongholds?

I guess before I can be free of my strongholds, I must state exactly what they are. I do know what the biggies are for me but overcoming them has been a lifelong journey in which I have not been completely successful. The word "confession" has been playing in my head all day and I have been avoiding the computer. I found a note that says this about confession. "Confession liberates you in another way:It opens up the possibility of change in your own life-change that can revolutionize all of your relationships."

I don't have a hard time confessing what my strongholds are. They are shame, guilt and fear. Shame and guilt have been my companions for about 22 years now. I do however find it hard to say why I feel these things. Here goes....

When I was a freshman, I went with a friend and two boys. We were to go to the fair but needed to stop for money first at one of their homes. I was a naive girl, I had just had my 14th birthday. I was an athlete and a tomboy but I wore make-up and had the usual big hair. I was also a little boy crazy so going to the fair with upperclassman was going to be fun..or so I thought. We went inside, they opened the frig and had some Ruinite wine. My mom liked to drink it sometimes so I was familiar with the bottle. I drank it, got sick, severely drunk and persisted to black out on and off for what seemed like an eternity. My friend wanted to have sex with one of the boys but we were both virgins. She was not able so they both focused on me. After all, I was an easy target. Drunk on the floor. After hours and my friend calling another girl to complain on ME that I had taken her man, I had started to sober up. We were to head back to her house. Now here is where my warped 14 year old thinking came in...I thought then that these boys must really like me! What?! So, as Monday morning came I was enemy #1 to girls everywhere in school and the new boy's best friend. I was so confused, embarrassed but slightly hopeful that this would mean boys would like me...That is part of the shame of it. I mean, I should know that it was wrong and stood up for myself but I did no such thing! No one really knew what happened except the "friend" who went on to spread more rumors. I was suddenly getting a lot of attention that I could not escape.

As my self esteem plummeted, I became verbally attacked daily by many but one in particular would not let loose. My normal self would have not taken it for one minute but I was so shamed that I just wanted to hide. That was the beginning of several more years of destructive sexual behavior and drinking. I quit playing a sport that I was great at all to avoid the verbal abuse. I was alienating my friends, if they didn't alienate me first. My life was not the fun, care free life a teenager should have at this age. I was worrying about who wanted to pick a fight with me because their boyfriend looked at me instead of talking about prom. I have never felt so alone. If only I had been strong enough to ask for help. Okay, enough of this. Even I am tired of hearing it..

Whew...I said it. Now, I am afraid to hit the post button. I am not a victim now but yet I was then and really still cannot admit it. The hard part is sometimes feeling like that helpless, hopeless teenager but knowing I am a grown woman now with 3 kids of my own. I mean over 20 years has passed yet I up until a year ago if I saw a person I knew from school I would go the other way or act like I did not see them. All in shame. It is amazing how an event and those that follow can write on the core of who you are, never letting go for one minute. I remember when people would come to my door to ask if I knew Christ and want to give me their magazine. I did, vaguely. They would talk about Him and then ask if I would accept Him right there. My heart screamed "YES, YES you are now free from this!" I would feel hopeful for the first time and then I would go back and be surrounded by the same condemnation day after day. I have not shared this in much detail with many due to my shame, guilt in my participation and fear of more judgement.

God has been good at showing me that people change. I mean, if I can change old behaviors than why couldn't I see that others could too? By bringing me to a church where a lot of old friends and classmates were really started all of this flooding my heart again. I had it all tucked away nice and neatly until I walked into the church one night to take my daughter to cubbies. "Hi, Christa" I heard...gulp..uh oh! I felt like that same 14 year old girl all over again. But God has really taken a hold of my heart walking with me each step of the way. Believe me, I am still fearful of a lot (I will cover this another day...lol)but He has shown me that I need Him and I actually don't need validation from others anymore. That is a relief and joy!

In day one of the study and my first post, God said if you don't seek freedom, you will seek shelter. Meaning if we don't grab and take hold of what He is offering to us, we will hide our lives away! I have already hidden enough of my life away, what about you?

Confession IS liberating. God is going to do a great work through my life, I just know it. Through him I will overcome bondage. There would be no greater gift right now. I would seriously hate to get to the end of my life and God not tell me that I was not a good and faithful servant. Instead of thinking only of myself and dwelling on such I could have been doing so much more in His name! God has always reached out to me, even as a child I knew he was there, I just let my issues get in the way of the love He has for me. Just think about how you feel when you look at your own babies, with such love and acceptance of all they are. That is how He sees me! I just have to be able to ACCEPT it.

Deep breath...Here goes..Enter.